Trust

One day my mother packed me into the car and headed across town. There was nothing unusual about this in itself as we were  commonly making a trip to the grocery store or to my dad’s service station for some cause or another. Only, this time she drove to a small brick low standing building that I had never been to before. I immediately didn’t like the look of it as it had the look of a doctors office. I was escorted inside by my mom where a nurse in a starched white uniform stood waiting. The nurse reached for my hand and I jerked it back and tried to make a run for the door. It was too late. Between the two of them I was powerless to escape. I didn’t know what was about to happen but whatever it was I wanted no part of it. I was taken into an exam room and was given a vaccination. Now, this was probably early nineteen sixties. The injections weren’t tiny needles and disposable syringes were not common yet. This was a large glass syringe with a large needle .  It hurt. I think it must have been for small pox, I can’t remember for certain but if it was small pox then  the injection site became very sore and scabbed up and left a scar. I remember having that scar for many years afterward. In any event it was extremely painful and stayed that way for several days.

The one thing I remember as much as the pain was the emotional pain and disbelief that my mother, the person that I trusted most in the world, had brought me to that place and had held my arms down while the nurse gave me that injection. She had participated in causing me pain. She betrayed me. My trust in her took a beating that day. 

I recovered from the vaccination in a few days but from then on I never completely trusted that we were only going to the store. There was a new element of apprehension . Eventually I out grew the whole thing and forgot about it. I came to realize that what had happened was for my good so that I didn’t contract some horrible disease. I gained an even greater respect for my mother in that she had my best interest at heart even to the point of doing unpleasant things to keep me safe and well. My mother loved me. She was a very good mother.

I participate in a few online christian communities and am surprised by some of the comments made by some of my brothers and sisters. Many of us have the mistaken impression that what we think is just as important and just as valid as what YHVH thinks. We refuse to believe certain things that we deem “out of character for a loving God”. We refuse to believe that YHVH ordered the killing of certain people and groups of people. I admit that some if this bothers me also. I simply don’t understand it. 

Isaiah 55:8-9 says

 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I try to keep in mind that YHVH is infinite and I am not. He has all knowledge and I do not. I was created in his image but I do not have all his attributes. Although a child is created in the image of it’s parents it doesn’t hav all it’s parents wisdom and understanding. My mother had knowledge that the vaccination that I was about to receive was the best way to keep me from getting sick with smallpox and possibly dying, I didn’t have that knowledge nor was I capable of understanding it. I just knew it hurt. Sometimes I want to correct YHVH and tell him how I would do it. Sometimes he doesn’t seem fair. Sometimes I don’t trust him when something in my life feels hurtful and unfair. But, then I come back to my senses and I realize that his desire for those that love and serve him is for good. He has an intention and purpose that is far greater than anything we can grasp. Sometimes I have no alternative except to trust in his love and his greatly superior wisdom. I believe that at some point in the future I will have matured enough to begin to understand some of these things that I have suffered in my life. Someday there will be meaning to meaningless suffering. Someday I will be glad that I had these experiences and my faith and trust in him will be complete. I trust in him because YHVH is love. He loves me.