“The one who overcomes, I will grant to him to sit with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat with My Father on His throne”.Revelation 3:21
It has been a while since I wrote to you. My life has taken an unforeseen detour that has caused me to have to stop for a while. But, tonight I am going to write to you about something very personal. Very few of the people that read this blog actually know who I am. So, I write with a certain degree of anonymity. I feel that what I am about to say here is too important to keep secret simply because of pride and embarrassment. I have been married to my wife for almost twenty two years. About three years ago I began to notice some strange behavior between her and a man that was supposed to be our friend. We became acquainted with him due to a class our son was taking which he taught. During this time he was thrown out of his house by his then (supposedly crazy) wife and was living in his place of business. I had a camper that I used infrequently and I offered it to him to see him through his time of homelessness. He seemed grateful and accepted my offer and soon we were close friends, He ate at my table and took baths in my house at times. All seemed to be well but, I began to notice certain behaviors between him and my wife. For a while I ignored it and thought to myself that I was being overly suspicious. One day I came out and asked him directly if he had had an affair with my wife. He assured me that he had not and that I was crazy for thinking that. I also questioned my wife and she likewise accused me of making something out of nothing. I couldn’t get rid of the gut feeling that they were lying so, one morning I went to his office and told him that I knew he was lying because my wife had confessed that they had had an affair. He he stared me straight in the eye and he would not speak. he became pale and would no longer say anything. I could see his hands shake. His eyes went to the floor. I left him and went to confront my wife. I told her the same thing, that our supposed friend had confessed. her only words were “I thought I could trust him”. Then she really did confess that they had indeed had an affair.
I was in shock. I was hurt and broken. I never dreamed I could be so betrayed, humiliated and devastated by two people. I will probably live with that pain for the rest of my life. I want to say that what they did to me was inhuman But, in reality it is all too human. I have gotten some therapy and sometimes am able to put it out of my mind briefly. I still don’t sleep well and I still get angry and emotional at times. I suppose I am going through the stages of grief now. In all the time since the discovery I have tried to figure out where our marriage went wrong. How could someone do this to someone that loves them. I asked my wife this question several times and I finally realized that what I wanted from her was for her to give me a reason to forgive her. I wanted this somehow to make sense. I wanted her to give me some justification so that I could give her forgiveness. To show me that somehow she deserved to be forgiven. She could not. The truth of the matter is that we are greedy awful people. We do what we do out of our own selfish desires to have what we want. There is no justification. There is no good reason for our sins except that we wanted to do them. We do not deserve to be forgiven.
I like to think of myself as a follower of YHWH. I write this blog in the hope that I will say something that will touch someone’s life in a positive way and will bring them closer to God. Because of my relationship with YHWH I am aware that I can’t have unforgiveness and hatred in my heart. He requires us to forgive those that sin against us, if we would have him to forgive us of our sins against him. I am having a very difficult time obeying that requirement. I am still wanting them to deserve my forgiveness somehow. But, I know in my heart that I have to give a sacrificial forgiveness to them, one they don’t deserve. It is costly to me. It gives me pain to give it. They betrayed and humiliated me to my core. They took my pride. They embarrassed me. They took something that was precious and sacred between my wife and I and made it something filthy. This kind of forgiveness only comes with a lot of prayer and the help of God. I’m still working on it.
I believe many times we so easily fall into sin and so easily ask God to forgive us expecting to receive it like the waving of a magic wand. Sometimes you have an experience like mine that reminds you that forgiveness isn’t so free. It is costly. Yeshua paid for your forgiveness on the cross and it costed him everything. Forgiveness costs suffering. Someone suffers for your sins. Sin causes pain.
I do not yet know how this story will end. My wife and I will probably go our separate ways for good. I miss our relationship terribly already. I expect my suffering will continue for quite some time. I do know though that if I can remain in YHWH’s will and can manage to forgive, that someday he will dry my tears. Somehow I must overcome my own selfishness, self pity and pain and forgive. This isn’t going to be easy.